I impulsively applied to an internal posting about a month ago. It represented a lateral move but one that would provide me greater visibility and experience in an area of complexity that I haven’t previously had much exposure. Overall, it seemed like a good thing to jump into the ring for but not the ideal, fully forward career move.

I am one of the few that was actually provided advancement during the pandemic. I’m lucky enough to work in an industry that transferred very well to a remote model. In addition, I live in a very rural area so my unique blend of experience and the openness to remote employees created a perfect storm allowing me to negotiate not one, but two lucrative moves with companies that wouldn’t previously have considered me due to geography.

I write all this with gratitude and a recognition of the privilege I enjoy that many do not. I got very lucky in a time of unpredictable and unprecedented change and turmoil.

That said, my industry has transitioned again to a hybrid model with I cannot participate in due to my geographic distance from my employer. This has pros and cons. I’m saved from the negative parts of commuting but miss out on a lot of the team building and networking opportunities that are much easier when your coworkers are gathered. I’m also the only fully remote member of my team which leads to some resentment and my being forgotten in some departmental planning. Again, pros and cons to being independent and under the radar.

Lately, as I’m coming up to my 3 year anniversary (and the itch to move on to new challenges is setting in) in this role I’m also realizing that I’m stuck.

On Friday I found out that I lost out on that job not because of a poor interview performance, but due to my geography. And to add salt to the wound, the role went to an exceptional young associate with less than half of my experience but with more access to the office and travel opportunities.

I just turned 40 this year. If I’m honest, this is my first time not being the exceptional young associate pushing more experienced candidates out of the way.

Kind of a weird feeling. All around.

So get a job closer to home you say? Also a challenge. Inflation has made my big city salary a necessity. A move to a closer employer would not only mean less interesting work, but also at least a 20% pay cut.

So relocate then? I have a toddler and my partner just went into business for himself. He’s made it clear he doesn’t want to move to the city. Relocation would mean the end of that relationship and a much more challenging situation for my son.

Ultimately none of this complaining really matters. My life is good. I should happily accept my lack of advancement, sink into and embrace my privileged position and focus on gratitude.

But still, it feels strange to think that I may not be pushing towards another milestone when I haven’t not been pushing for one in my lifetime. Does that make sense?

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.