I’ve started to work out again.

If I’m honest the reason is because I feel immensely insecure in my relationship. There is almost no romance and hasn’t been for some time – physical or emotional. Unless I initiate it.

Although it’s hard for me (and most people) to be vulnerable, I’ve brought it up to my partner a few times over the last couple years but he has been defensive or unresponsive. Over the last 6-8 months I’ve taken a quiet ‘wait and see” approach. Let me underline that this has been a choice of inaction, not just inaction. Nothing has changed.

I’ve struggled a lot with the why. Is he having an affair? Am I less attractive than when we met? Is he just overwhelmed with work?

Deep down I think I know that the reason doesn’t really matter and what this means for my future. Because ultimately if he wanted to, he would. This is a deal breaker for me. Cohabitation is not enough.

So – to manage my anxiety and overwhelming feelings and attempt to enjoy the short term as much as possible I’m working on getting my affairs in order. Paying down debt, saving, trying to enable me to have options available for myself and my son.

Part 2 is trying to work on being present. Like many childhood trauma survivors, I developed an early coping strategy disconnecting my mind from my body. The downside of this is that disconnected my mind is able to float off and engage in all kinds of destructive thought processes that flame my anxiety.

One thing that helps is exercise. It challenges my mind to reengage with my body. To be present.

So – if you’re looking for me, I’ll be working out, working towards financial independence, trying to plan for the future without being attached to anyone else being included in that picture, and trying to provide the best role model and environment for my son.